i dont think ive ever been this upset, lonely, depressed in a while.
realizing that i must have another new beginning is what kills me. to realize that those who i greatly love and admire are once again hours upon hours, miles upon miles away. another hollow shell is what ill take in as another new school year draws near. another manifested being of who everyone likes. once again forming into the mold of what everyone expects you to be.
after finding another group, or in this case one friend, that you can truly be yourself around. another person that you finally believe that you can give your whole being to. another person to let into your secret desires, goals, and intentions. someone to finally understand who you really are after 2 years in that "hellhole" as i called it before. once again i must depart to find someone else to replace that best friend void in my life.
another search for potentional aquaintences or possibly friends. who really know. let alone who really cares. because once high school is over, in reality, how many of those people are actually going to take the time to pick up their phones and attempt to communicate after youve gone your separate ways. its really ideal to believe that once you believe youll still be cared and thought about. but in reality, everyone moves on with their lives. youre nothing but a mere shadow passing by. its only then when you reach out to attempt to grab their hearts once again that theyll actually bid you any attention.
and one day youll step outside of your own imagination and realize that people are different. people are changing. people are moving on with their life without you. while you desparately grasp for the past. for the cherished memories that you wish to retreive. those memories that you desire to reenact. but its over. the time has come. theres nothing left but a mere hazy cloud of what once was.
so what exactly is the point of these friendships that you make then? when youre sure of failure, whats the point of making these bonds with people that you believe will still care once youre not there? benefit of the doubt? believing and hoping that they arent like everyone else and they actually will care about you despite your bad decisions or unfortunate events that occur in your life?
hope. thats exactly what it is. hope for a better future. hope for some sort of good existing in the world. possibly false hope. but hope nevertheless. hope to find a long lasting love. hope to find a long lasting friendship. hope to find happiness.
the key to all of this to be honest. is acceptance. the abilty to accept whatever future, whatever God desides to bestow upon you. whether unfortunate or not, the only thing that you can do, is accept what is going on. to accept the current events. to accept every horrid feeling. to accept every terrible event. to accept all the hatred, malice, animosity, sorrow, jealousy, and loneliness that fate has decided to place into your world.
once you find the strength to accept everything that happens. is when you will find true bliss. true happiness. because you shed every ideal thought in your head and youll have no fear of what is to come. youll have no regrets. youll have nothing. its not necessarily shutting people out of your life as it may seem. its really finding a way to deal with your issues. to deal with your troubles.
in reality, you dont need anyone. it feels better when someones there to comfort you and tell you that youre alright. it feels better when someone will listen. but why bother even having that person when you feel like youre an obligation to them. when you dont even know who they are anymore. when they become strangers to you. when you forget who they once were.
i rather feel alone than be an obligation. | 
